I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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