We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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