There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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