i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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