watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
