So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
