I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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