I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
