No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Randomize
