I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
