the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
