I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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