Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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