She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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