my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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