i think my mom watched the whole time
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
