remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
