i just wanna soil my oats bro
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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