so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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