did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
