He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
