After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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