I think my fart just growled at me.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
