she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
