Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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