Porn is love you can see.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
