When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
