He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
