I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
