I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We got so high we made milksteak
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
