Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize