I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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