Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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