did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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