so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
