Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She bit a glass in half.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
