I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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