You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
