The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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