remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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