My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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