I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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