dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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