Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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