I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Life is so much better after having sex.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
