"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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