I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
