Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
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