I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
