Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
