This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
So here I am, sexting at work.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
