How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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