So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
