I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
whose parrot is this?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
