A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
