are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize