I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
