Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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