remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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